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The Info-Crap and Slimy Internet Marketer Not-So-Secret Decoder

 

I am a big advocate of getting advice, as long as it is from someone credible who gives you a good value with good advice.  However, I am really appalled at the various antics of many of the “Gurus of the Interwebs”.  Some of the things that I have seen are beyond ridiculous.  Even worse, it totally undermines experts that have solid experience and valuable products.  Plus, I think it is highly offensive to their “customers”, which is why they end up serving the bottom-feeders.

Since I believe that information is power, here is a “Secret Decoder” (yeah- some of it is not so secret…) for some of the best terms and phrases being thrown about by Internet marketers and peddlers of info-crap.

Phrase:  I have spent 10 years studying consumer buying behavior

Decoded Phrase:  I bought a book about consumer buying behavior ten years ago.  I skimmed through it last night before I wrote this email.

Phrase: If you buy today, I will include $5000 worth of bonuses!

Decoded Phrase: My product is so lame that I figured by having other people give you their crap, you won’t email me for a refund.  And since I have included so many damn “bonuses”, the fact that half of them (like how to read your horoscope or the secrets to colon cleansing) have nothing to do with my product will be totally lost on you.  Oh, and please ignore the fact that my free gifts are the same stuff that I overcharged you for six months ago…

Phrase: My dear friend Jane has an amazing new product!

Decoded Phrase: Jane, who I had never heard of before she emailed yesterday, offered to pay me an affiliate fee of $50 if I would push her info-crap on you.

Phrase: I built a six-figure business

Decoded Phrase:  I have a business that has made $10,000 a year for the last ten years.

Phrase: I built a seven-figure business

Decoded Phrase:  I did seven figures in revenue one year by spending almost that much on marketing.  I didn’t make a profit and I currently don’t have a dime to my name.

Phrase: I am only making 100 of these available and when they are gone, they are gone!

Decoded Phrase: I think you are dumb enough to believe that if, by some miracle, 200 people want to buy my workbook, I am going to tell 100 people no.  Ha!

Phrase: I have built a large following on Twitter

Decoded Phrase:  I spend 20 hours a day on Twitter, but since I can’t figure out how to make any money from it, I live in my parent’s basement.

Phrase: I have built an enormous following on Twitter

Decoded Phrase:  I got 80,000 people to re-follow me, proving that you can fool some people all of the time and lots of people some of the time.

Phrase: Let me tell you the secrets of how I influence my customers to buy anything within 24 hours.

Decoded Phrase:  I think that you are so incredibly dumb that I am going to ask you to pay me to tell you how I have been tricking you for the last 12 months into buying my shit.

Phrase: Who loves ‘ya baby? (Aka: I am giving you the hook-up!)

Decoded Phrase: I really only care about you if you buy from me and hope that my weak attempt at flattery will make up for my lack of substance.

Have any favorite info-crap and marketing phrases that you need decoded (or that you want to share the translation to?)   Comment below and we will keep the list going…

…And a special thanks to Rieva Lesonsky of SmallBizDaily.com (and guest blogger for many other prestigious outlets) for helping add to and refine this “decoder”.

Article written by
Carol Roth is a national media personality, ‘recovering’ investment banker, investor, speaker and author of the New York Times bestselling book, The Entrepreneur Equation. She is currently an on-air contributor for the national cable television station CNBC, the pre-eminent name in business news. Previously, Carol was the host and co-producer of The Noon Show, a current events talk show on WGN Radio, one of the top stations in the country, and a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN, Fox Business and other stations. Carol's multimedia commentary covers business and the economy, current events, politics and pop culture topics. Carol has helped her clients complete more than $2 billion in capital raising and M&A transactions. She is a Top 100 Small Business Influencer (2011, 2012 & 2013) and has her own action figure. Twitter: @CarolJSRoth
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