I watched a video to help myself get better at receiving feedback. Asking for, processing, and integrating what you could do better from feedback is important for personal relationships and professional growth, and it’s something I truly struggle with. 

I hate getting feedback and almost never actively seek it out. For some reason, and I have not figured out the root cause, negative feedback, or even constructive criticism from people who have my best interests at heart, sets me off. I feel my blood pressure spike and I feel angry or caged. I am definitely at risk of saying or doing something I will regret. 

Licensed therapist Terri Cole posted the video, “5 Ways to Be Less Defensive in Arguments | Effective Communication – Terri Cole” (below) and I found it very helpful. Her suggestions would work with your partner or in a professional situation. LIke me, you might have someone tell you something you don’t like and immediately find yourself getting defensive. Cole says that just makes you human, but also says that this happens because you feel like you are being attacked and feel the need to self-protect. Your nervous system goes into fight mode. 

Exactly. 

But I (and maybe you) are missing out on some opportunities by getting defensive and trying to shut off or shut out feedback. Cole says:

Harriet Learner has this great quote that defensiveness is the arch enemy of listening. Now, isn’t that true? And it prevents growth. Because here’s the thing with feedback. When we can figure out how to give it and receive it in a way that doesn’t feel super threatening, it is fuel for our growth.

Defensiveness in your personal relationships could lead to a fight or night on the couch. In a professional setting, it could lead to tension with your boss, board, or team. Cole walks us through several scenarios:

Think about it. If every time someone tries to give you feedback, you shut them down. You argue. You flip it back on them. If we really play it out in our lives, what happens? Well, your partner stops sharing their feelings with you. Your friends stop being honest with you. Your colleagues stop giving you opportunities to grow because it’s easier. 

You know, when someone is really defensive, it’s such a drag to give them feedback. It just sucks because you know they’re not going to hear it. You’re like, “What is even the point of doing this?” Because this person is absolutely going to give me an excuse, give me a reason. So, defensiveness creates an environment where truth cannot live, right? Where it really doesn’t live. And without truth, there cannot be intimacy, trust, or progress, right? So, it’s damaging us.

Ouch. But she makes some excellent points. 

Cole shares scripts that you can use in the format of “say this, not that.” I am going to have to memorize some of these. 

From the YouTube video description:

Learn how to stop being defensive and communicate better during conflict. Discover practical tools to manage emotional reactions, stay calm, and respond with empathy instead of blame.

This episode teaches you how to validate emotions, use “I statements,” and handle difficult conversations without shutting down or attacking back. Transform defensiveness into self-awareness, improve your emotional intelligence, and create stronger connections in your relationships, work, and everyday life.

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